“The Process” + Studio-less Summers
Unsurprisingly, I haven’t lifted a paintbrush this summer. School ended just before May did and ever since it has been all kids, all the time. Which is, perhaps, just what we needed. But it is also kind of soul crushing to neglect paintings in my studio that are in the messy middle. Despite that, it is OUTSIDE of my studio that I gather the most inspiration and “inspiration” has come in the form of reading this summer. Each time I’ve finished a book I’ve immediately picked up a new one. And maybe that isn’t unusual for me, but I feel voracious for stories recently.
The book I just finished was Finding Freedom by Erin French, a memoir about her becoming a cook and coming to own her restaurant, The Lost Kitchen. I love a good memoir. But this one I read because this woman inspires me…I own her cookbook and I wanted to know her story. And I feel immensely inspired as I close the beautiful back cover of this book and put it on the shelf. She has taught me something valuable that I have to keep learning over and over…if you believe in something and if you love it, don’t quit.
As much as a break from the studio can be refreshing, a months long break from the studio is disorienting. And as the days slip by, my thoughts during idle moments, like after I turn off the light and lay down on my pillow, turn to self-criticism. “I’m not good enough to keep going”, “no one cares what I have to say”, “I don’t have a unique story to tell”…yada, yada, yada. On my best days I feel like I live up to the meaning of my name, “industrious” -- I have accomplished much with what I have. But on my worst days, I feel like a phony -- for all the work I have put in, I have nothing of value to show for it.
I realize this self-doubt is perhaps one of the most normal parts of the human experience. It is something you have to learn to live with and have strategies to disarm. One of my more effective strategies is writing down quotes from other people or myself that directly address my most sensitive concerns. I display them in my studio so they confront me every time I paint. There are certainly a few quotes from Erin French that I will add to my arsenal. But there is one from Josh Garrels, a musician that I followed closely when I was just starting to paint, that I keep handy and that Erin French may also appreciate: “If you bypass the process, the end result will be faulty. It won’t stand up. If you bypass the process, your work will suffer.”
It is “the process”, the messy middle, the years of quiet work that no one sees, the hours and hours of learning, the pages and pages of bad drawings, the trying and failing and trying again that make the end result worth something. And let me tell you, I’ve been at this for years. It is “the process” that fills all of my days. It is “the process” that I am always living in. And it is “the process” that sometimes makes me weary. I wish I could fill my Instagram with finished paintings every day. But doing so would come at a cost. The paintings would be faulty. I can’t bypass my process. I don’t want to turn out easy paintings for fast money. That isn’t what I’m doing here. Like Erin French, I want to create a feeling in the person who encounters my work. I want it to tell a good story. And I want it to be worthwhile.
So it seems, with three school-aged children in tow, summers outside of the studio will be part of my process. And I am sure in time I will learn how to use them wisely.
